Rant: Lying

Hey Creepy Stalkers!

I've been going through a pretty crazy wave of emotions these past few days, and I just wanted to write it out. Excuse my language.

Without wax,
lonewriter7

~*~*~*~

Trust is such a delicate thing. If you trust someone, you're placing your happiness into their hands. You're making a gamble. It can either double your glee, or take it away in seconds. When people put trust in me, I take that to heart. I wouldn't want to break that trust. If something isn't mine to tell, then I don't speak about it. So, when people accuse me of breaking that trust, it hurts. It hurts like hell, and I feel broken. My hands start shaking, my breath gets uneven, and it just hurts. Tears start to fall out of no where.

If I do lie about something, and my mom will vouch for this, I eventually speak up about it. If I insist that I haven't broken someone's trust, I haven't broken it. But of course, in this messed up world, people don't believe you. The world conspires against you, and drains away all your happiness. Your smile is stolen, your reason of being sucked away, leaving you empty. But then again, I'm used to feeling empty by now. It's not uncommon.

Obviously, I wish for them to believe me. I always do. But after years of that not happening, it's become something I'm used to. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. But I would've thought that you would understand me. You know me better than anyone, and honestly, I feel like I'm nothing without you. I would never manipulate you in any way; I admire your strong will too much to even think of doing that. I would hurt myself before even thinking about hurting you, you should know by now. If there's something that I know I did wrong, I own up to it. I don't go as low as to lie about it, especially to someone I care about as much as you.

I guess all this talk about caring about you won't even get into your head, since you don't trust me. How long have I been lying to you? I haven't lied. But you won't believe that. Why would I lie to you? I wouldn't. But you won't believe that either. So let me talk about something else. Going an entire day with barely any communication between us is actually extremely draining, especially when I don't have other people I can really connect with at school anymore. So when I say, "Who do I have to tell?" I literally mean, I don't talk to many people at school because I don't connect with any of them. So yeah, I'm pretty much socially dead right now, and this whole issue just made it ten times worse. I'm not saying your not going through things as well. I know you are. I'm just saying that you're pretty much all I've got left at this point, and as of now it's like two wrecking balls are placed on either side of my head.

Oh, and let me mention the fact that my parents are a huge draining factor as well, as you know. Just today, I was lectured by my parents about school. Again. And not to mention the fact that I got my social media taken away for it. Do you realize what that means? Let me spell it out. It means I'm isolated with people who say nothing but negative things about my effort, and I have no way of release. I can't call Sarah, nor can I contact anyone else. I'm left with only my thoughts, which isn't helpful either, because all I can think about is how I'm someone that is apparently trying to manipulate you, and how I can never get anything right. Ever. For once in my life, I actually thought I mattered to someone, and I was the happiest person on Earth. Then suddenly, I'm thrown into a pit of hell, with nothing but my own unhelpful mind to defend myself. It hurts! Yeah, I know you're stressed and confused, but you know what? So am I. So please, if we talked things out, it would be better than this mess of confusion and accusations.